Hello, Everyone!
It’s been a while since my last post due to some unexpected changes and some mental overwhelm. I missed writing, but I’m back.
Talk About Radical Change
As I talked about in my previous post, A Reason To Celebrate, I successfully completed my legal name change, had been trying to settle into the area I live, and tried to make friends. However, my roommate had given me a sudden 30-day notice with little to know warning or communication. Well, fast-forward a month. I have my own income based apartment! Yay! The necessary documents are changed to match my legal name. Also, Some promising friends or at least good aquaintances and community opportunities have presented themselves.
However, this change did not come easy. I was probably had my last dash of sanity and hope was slipping away. One thing after another kept going wrong until, miraculously, the day before my thirty days was up… I received the news. I had an apartment. Not a board and lodge, not a room, not a roommate in a room, but my own apartment. It might not be the fanciest apartment but it is mine. Ever since, it seems like all the things I wanted are slowly starting to line up in both expected and unexpected ways. Talk about radical change.
Like The Tower in Tarot, everything came toppling down at once. My body and mind became overwhelmed and shut down until the seeds of change started to grow where it once stood. All that’s left is to nourish those seeds and grow. I want to focus on self care, self love, and self-growth.
Super Snow Moon Energy
Also, all of this occured right around the Super Snow Moon that was Leo Moon Sign, which I discussed in Channel the Radical Energy of the Snow Moon. I mentioned the Tower. I had invoked this energy with a focus on the above deities and this is how it turned out. Fitting.
My three main deities are Loki, Morrigan, and Freya. Loki is very much about radical change, freedom, and transformation. Morrigan is about finding strength through determination, sovreignty, and hard won battles, Freya is much like Morrigan, but is also about Love. Not just intimacy with others, but loving yourself and finding yourself. Therefore, it makes sense that this would be how I would find change.
I kept getting readings saying to embrace change, trust intuition and my spirituality, trust that the universe or gods have me in mind. However, even if I see the value in radical change and embracing those moments of uncertainty and liminality is hard for me. I kept telling myself that without a bit of chaos there would be no opportunities for change and maybe it was for the best, but I still felt that fear of trusting the universe.
Spot On Tarot Draw
Also, if you look at my Tarot Reading on January 28th, here, I talk about burning out and reaching a point of exhaustion before perservering. However, while what I put as an interpretation of the first card was true, I’m noticing it has a completely different meaning as well in terms of becoming ungrounded financially and in terms of housing. It could be about how my roommate and I have conflicting communication styles, needs, and triggers so there was a lot of social anxiety, and perseved selfishness involved as well.
Introspection
This time of dealing with burnout also involved a lot of introspection. I was actually officially diagnosed with Autism officially not long before this happened. I was doing more reading into Autism and realized I had been falling in and out of Autistic Burnout for months now. Also, I wasn’t having normal panic attacks, anxiety, and depression. It was meltdowns or shutdowns. Overwhelm and overstimulization would build up until I shut down or lashed out. I also started to look at my past and realize how many of the thinks I had trouble putting into words that weren’t “normal” were my Autism. I also have ADHD so I’m extra spicy and all of those symptoms compound with my Autism. Even with my roommate situation, it boiled down to communication issues and overwhelm.
The burnout got much worse as I got more overwhelmed and I lost the ability to take care of myself or leave my room. Everything felt impossible. It’s like my Stamina Bar was at zero and all the things I could normally do I couldn’t anymore. I also became much more obviously autistic with lower distress tolerance. I was ready to give up and felt abandoned by society and people who don’t understand, but I’m here now.
Moving out is probably for the best. Living there wasn’t the right foundation for success for me. It allowed me to build the right foundation for me to heal, grow and change. It took every ounce of strength for me to get here, but I am. Focusing on myself and finding peace in the universe till I have enough stamina to grow into who I want to be.
