Struggling with Identity & Acceptance
I know I said I might start posting again a while ago, but havent. This is because I have been struggling with severe depression based on personal experiences relating to my identity.
What is Identity?
A person’s identity is comprised of many types including gender, sexual, cultural, national, social, occupational, and personal. This included many sub-categories that fall into those. There is also intersectional identity. This is the understanding that how these identities overlap create a unique, complex, life experience for everyone. The way these interact impact power and privilege. A person with priviledge in one are may be a part of other disenfranchised populations. Some people may also be privileged in more ways than others. Also, A person’s identity can change and shift over time throughout their life. Due to that, my experience in life, is most likely not exactly the same as your experience in life and that’s okay. However, we need to keep an open mind in regards to other people’s experiences and struggles.
Afraid to Talk About Struggles
Fear of Discussing Lack of Support in LGBT Community
I was afraid to post about my identity struggles as a trans masculine genderfluid person in a way that discussed the lack of support from within the LGBTQ+ community in my area. Mostly because I was afraid of retaliation and not being welcome even more than before. However, since doing Trans & Non-Binary Group Therapy through Pride Counseling, a AuDH LGBT support group I am in as well as reading articles online, I realize it is a more common experience than anyone wants to admit. I do know that the greater LGBT community is trying to reduce this kind of gatekeeping within the community, but it is still a common problem.
Fear of Coming Off As Too Negative
I was also afraid to post about this out of fear of coming off as too negative. Anytime I try to talk about my struggles, I have been told to shut up and stop complaining. Some people see it as an attack on the communities that are marginalizing me regardless of how I frame it. I am not trying to attack anyone. I realize not everyone in those communities are enforcing these views. I don’t like to over generalize. However, I do wish people would be willing accountability, self-reflect, and grow.
My Personal Struggles with Identity
I previously did a post about my Trans and LGBT identity journey up to a certain point, here. In this article, I talked about my gender and sexuality journey from childhood until somewhat recently. In this I discuss discovering I am genderfluid and trans masculine. Throughout my life, I have dealt with a lot of anti-bisexual/pansexual rhetoric. Also, after coming out as trans, invalidation of my genderfluid identity, and trans masculine erasure, silencing, and hateful generalizations due to toxic masculinity. This includes gatekeeping, silencing, and invalidating not only my masculine identity but also my struggles due to trans masculinity within not just the LGBT and Feminist communities but society as a whole. Sometimes it feels like there is no safe space.
Bisexual/Pansexual Hate, Stereotypes & Generalizations
Feeling Like an Experience or Experiment
In person and especially on dating sites, bisexuals and especially bisexual women have to deal with all the couples looking for fun or for a third partner. Typically, this is because the guy decided to date a bisexual woman and these guys tend to sexualize bisexual women. The bisexual women then is allowed to be with other women as long as he gets to join in. It is less common for the third to be allowed to be a man in these cases, but not unheard of. It is frustrating when you want a genuine female connection and makes you feel like a sex object or toy.
I have been bisexual ever since puberty and maybe earlier so this is something I have dealt with for a long time. When I was in high school, I didn’t date men. I was “one of the guys” so I found the concept of dating them awkward even if I had crushes and attractions. Bisexual wasn’t commonly recognized and was seen as a first stop to homosexuality. Therefore, as soon as people found out i was bi I was one of the token “Lesbians”. Also, then all my female friends would either get weird because apparently that meant I wanted to fuck all women or more commonly wanted to experiment all the sudden. I was seen as an experience rather than a potential relationship. I also had that one friend that I wasn’t into that way and she knew I had a crush that I never acted on towards her bf so she asked if I wanted to have a three-some. Again, seen as an experience. I declined. That leads to all of the people looking for “Unicorns”.
People Refusing to Date Bisexual Women or Non-Binary Individuals
Another thing I struggled with as a bisexual woman was lesbians refusing to date you because you are bisexual. It’s as if they think you will always choose the man or having sex with a man makes you dirty and untouchable. For this reason and because many men have high libidos, I found it easier to get men to date or be intimate with me. This is especially common for bisexual women. Many of them don’t get to be with women as much as they’d like even if they would prefer women. Also, you hear a lot of “I will never date a bisexual again. I need to date Lesbians. [Insert generalized insult about bisexuals]” It’s as if one or a few bad experiences with a bisexual gives them a valid reason to make generalizations about them.
Since becoming more trans-masculine, I have the same experiences with gay men. Although, part of that is due to me being Pre-Surgery masculine and not considered a “real” man yet. These generalizations are something you hear a lot about bisexuals and pansexuals. I don’t think it would be okay for me to make those generalizations about straight, lesbian or gay people. In fact, the LGBT community, typically, is against hostile generalizations about marginalized communities.
Because I have been out as bisexual so long I had learned how to tune out those voices most of my life. Once I came out as genderfluid and transmasc and some disenfranchised communities outside of the LGBTQ, I was hearing those voices much more frequently and practicing distress tolerance was harder.
Invalidation of Non-Binary & Genderfluid Identities
Further Invalidation of Genderfluid Identities
Within the non-binary umbrella is genderfluidity. People who are genderfluid deal with everything mentioned about non-binary identities, but also get invalidated because their identity is not static. Their identity is fluid, meaning it changes. The frequency depends on the person. It could be minutes, hours, days, months, or even years. Because of this, people get upset at the unpredictability of pronouns and identity because the fact that it is inconvenient for them keep track of or have to have ask about. I was once told that because I my identity changed due to fluidity and/or I was learning how I want to express to fit my identity and it was changing that I only transitioned for attention.
Exclusion of Non-Binary, Mixed and Intersectional Identities
When your identity partially fits into two opposing types, you hear negativity from all directions and more frequently. This is also true when you fall into multiple marginalized populations. You can hear negativity even in the communities that are supposed to be safe spaces for those marginalized communities. It can make it hard to feel like you belong anywhere or have a safe space because you aren’t considered to be [Fill in Marginalized Group] enough to be considered part of the community.
You would think people from multiple identities, especially if one is a priviledged identity, would have the best of both words. In some ways yes. However, not necessarily. In an ideal world they would be accepted into both communities. Instead, many deal with gatekeeping from at least one side if not both sides. In terms of priviledge, it depends on if they pass socially as the priviledged identity.
That isn’t always the case. If they don’t pass, they don’t get treated as such and don’t feel like they belong in that community. Also, even then, as soon as people find out about the other part of their identity they can still be marginalized and discriminated against. If someone doesn’t pass as the priviledged identity they may be accepted in the marginalized community. However, some people in that community may not consider you marginalized enough to belong. Even if both communites are somewhat accepting, there may be people within one community that are safe for part of your identity that aren’t safe for the other part of your identity. This can also make it hard to find a truly safe space.
This is something I have been struggling with a lot lately. I haven’t felt like I have a safe space outside of my own home. This is particularly true due to the political climate right now.
The Struggles of Trans Masculinity
This is a topic I could write a whole article about. Instead, I will give a less in depth review right now. Since coming out as transmasculine, I have felt pushed out and abandoned by the communities that once welcomed me with open arms when I had a feminine presentation. People stopped reaching out or showing affection.
Dating while Trans Masculine
Nobody wants to date me besides other trans people or straight men who don’t consider me a man. Gay men will hook up sometimes but not date. Due to how small the trans community is, especially the local trans community, a majority of the people matching arestraight men. Even then, most of the people in the trans community always prefer fems. I refuse to date those “straight” men. Gay men ask very invasive questions about surgery plans and some would talk to me until they saw I still had a vagina.
One person I met on a dating site wouldnt date someone trans masc long term, even one who hasn’t “fully” transitioned because they hate masculine personalities. However they will hook up with Trans Masc if they don’t pass and haven’t had surgeries. They also wouldn’t date trans women long term because they were men or still act like men according to that person. This perpetuates stereotypes about masculinity and shows this person associate all masculinity with toxic masculinity. It also invalidates the identity of trans women as women. There are other people that have this kind of mentality as well and I have heard a lot of anti-trans masc rhetoric similar to this in the LGBT community as well.
Anti-Masculine Rhetoric & Its Negative Affects on Transmasc Journey
I always hear negativity about masculinity not just about toxic masculinity, but also extended to trans masc individuals and masculinity in general and it can be hard.
On one hand, I understand.
The patriarchy is real and many cis men benefit from it. Many are also victims of their own creation whether they realize it or not. Those benefits can impact how they treat others. The movement also typically doesn’t mean all men so cis-men need to stop using it to try to invalidate the whole feminist movement.
On the other…
I was born a woman, I am trans, and a part of these communities for years. Technically even now, I am a part of these communities. I know that the feminist and lgbt communities aren’t intending to generalize and they just want accountability. I used to be the one doing it, but that doesn’t mean the negativity doesn’t impact trans men during their transitions. We don’t benefit from the priviledges they have and my personal experiences have shaped my life in a way that makes me different from most cis men. On top of that, generalizations and stereotypes aren’t fair in general. Aren’t we trying to fight those exact things against out own communities.
I also feel like since becoming trans-masculine I have had my experiences as a woman ignored and I have been silenced within the feminist community. I agree with feminist theory. I actually used to be the radical man-hating feminist stereotype believe it or not due to my trauma. I get it. Being trans masc doesn’t negate my feminism or my history with feminism.
But Other Masc Allies Say They Can Deal With It…
I learned to tolerate the bisexual stereotypes and generalizations most of my life. Maybe similarly, cis men who are allies and even other trans men have learned to tolerate over time and that’s awesome. There is valid trauma behind the anger of women and I understand. Like I said, I used to be close to the man hating Feminist stereotype they used to invalidate feminism. I, also, understand that some trans men feel the need to pass and adopt toxic masculine traits or defend toxic masculinity.
However, as someone who grew up female and was used to love, support and community within these groups, all of this was a huge culture shock. People who used to validate my struggles tell me to shut up and stop complaining when I try to talk about my experiences since coming out. The greater LGBT community tries to support trans masc individuals, but I have had many experiences where that hatred of masculinity has been extended to me. I’d like to be judged for my own actions rather than theirs. I, also, have a lot of mental health strugges including PTSD, Autism and ADHD that make distress tolerance harder for me or leave me with fewer spoons to deal with the negativity towards my masculine side of my identity. Because of that, it might take me a while to successfully learn use the skills needed to handle the distress involved with being targeted by the same groups I always considered my safe space in the past.
People Pleasing VS Authenticity
People Pleasing to Feel Love & Belonging
I have a history of people pleasing in my past. I spent most of my life doing things to make people happy. I was desperate get validation or praise from people I was never going to get it from. Sometimes I still catch myself sacrificing part of who I am or what I want in order to get approval. Fear of rejection and abandonment from trauma will do that. I constantly have to reevaluate my identity and make sure it’s authentic to who I am inside rather than masking or people pleasing. I recently struggled with that when I considered completly or mostly detransitioning. I was tired of feeling alone and abandoned by society including the safe spaces that used to accept me. I felt like it was the only way to feel loved.
Realizing I Would Rather Be Authentic than Belong
One of the people making me feel that way ended up cutting me out and was completely alone without even a support system outside of my therapist and the UU church (despite not feeling comfortable or 100% safe because said person goes there). During that time alone, I realized I’d rather be alone than deny any part of myself. I couldn’t do that anymore. I can’t deny the masculine, but I also can’t deny the feminine. I won’t mute who I am and conform to fit in. I won’t ignore the masculine to fit in with the parts of LGBT community and feminist community that don’t like masculinity. I also won’t be more cisgendered and conform society as it is. However, I also won’t ignore the feminine in order to pass as a trans man and be considered trans enough. I won’t stop being genderfluid or bisexual/pansexual and pick a side. If my fluidity bothers you then by all means live life without me in it. However, maybe you need to look in the mirror and reflect.
