I have finished three more cards for the Tarot Deck I am making and I’m working on IV: Emporer. So far I have made The Magician, High Priestess and The Empress. I chose to use Odin as The Magician, A völva as The High Priestess & Freya The Empress. I will talk about why I chose these and the symbolism on the cards as well as talk about Rider Waite Symbolism.
The Magician
Symbolism in Rider-Waite
In the Rider-Waite version of the card, there is alot of visual symbolism. Some examples include: Flowers for manifesting ideas and aspirations, a hand poiunting to universe and another pointing at the earth for “As Above, So Below” concept, the Infinity Symbol for unlimited potential, a pentagram as symbol of the elements, and a red cloak to showcate experience and knowledge.
Odin as The Magician
Odin is perfect to prepresent The Magician considering his backstory, In Odin’s story, he gouges out an eye and drops it into Mimir’s Well in order to have cosmic insight, prophecy, and knowledge of hidden truths. This is denoted by his eye patch. I alsohave runes surrounding him because he also sacrficed himself and hung himself bleeding from Yggrasil for nine freezing days and nights without food or water in order to gain the sacred knowledge of the runes. He also has two ravens, Huginn (Thought) & Muninn (Memory) that represent knowledge and experience. They are his eyes and ears flying across the Nine Realms and granting him immense wisdom and knowledge. He himself symbolizes manifestation and aspiration, because in the stories he stops at nothing to manifest his aspirations for sacred knowledge and cosmic insight. I also represent the elements on this card, The sun represents fire, rocky cliff represents earth, turbulent waters represent water and show that there is wind that represents air.
The High Priestess
Symbolism in Rider-Waite
She sits in front of a veil that separates the realm of the divine and the physical world, the letter B represents Boaz and the letter J Jachin which is symbolism of equalibrium like yin and yang. Her headdress represents the three phases of the moon honoring the triple goddess, she holds scrolls, and has a crescent mood at her feet. This represents having a foundation of intiuition.
The High Priestess as a Völva
She wears a veil over her eyes that represents her vision beyond the veil into the divine realm. Her tatoos, rune belt, and bone headdress represent her connection to shamanism and esoteric knowledge. Also, Volva’s are known for being Seers using intutiiton and divine connection to guide others including Jarls. Her staff allows her to weave fate and perform rituals.
The Empress
Symbolism in Rider-Waite
Some of the Symbolism includes, Scepter to symbolize Power and Guidance, Red Bedding symbolizes creativity and sensuality, Venus Symbol represents using power and love to shield others, crowned by 12 zodiac stars, foliage to symbolize connection to nature, Pattern on dress symbolizes abundance and fertility, wheat also symbolizes abundance and providing for others.
Freya as The Empress
She has her staff to symbolize power and guidance, her violet dress symbolizes divine connection, inner peace and goddess energy. She has a red jewal in her crown as a nod to the red of creativity and sensuality, but she also also a known goddess of love and fertility. She is in nature and surrounded by flowers, woods and water symbolizing her connection to nature and fertility. The flowers and her golden hair is also a nod to fertility and abundance. Her cats also represent femininity, fertility, and protectiion.
I have been wanting to make my own tarot deck for a while and I am finally starting. I will post each card I make on here as I make them. I am using ArtRage Lite and Canva to make my tarot deck. I discuss the symbolism in “The Fool” tarot card and how I utilized it in my version of the card.
The Fool
For The Fool, I looked at some of the typical symbolism and then made it my own. I know in the card there is usually a simple of purity like a white rose or something similar, a puppy or other small innocent looking animal to show a loyal companion and innocence, cliff face to show recklessness, and mountains or an area to begin your journey and the sun or sunrise to show beginnings and joyfulness.
I decided to make Loki my fool. He tends to embody freedom and a mix of trickster and even niavety in many stories in norse mythology where he ends up getting caught up in things he shouldn’t and having to fix those problems he started. He also embodies change, adventures and new beginnings. Without his shenanigans and adventures the gods wouldn’t have gotten their weapons or golden hair or other treasures . So, he symbolizes the reckless and optimistic start of an adventure for good or worse. I am using his Fire to symbolize Purity, Baby Fenrir to symbolize a loyal companion and innocence, and he is sitting on a cliff over a ravine and with the view of mountains and a sunrise to represent the start of a new journey.
My Loki “The Fool” Tarot Card vs. Rider-Waite Tarot Card
Once I embraced my creativity and promised myself not to let other people keep me from doing the things that make me happy, my sense of happiness and fulfillment returned. Now I radiate the energy I need in order to attract the energy I want from people. It can be a hard thing to achieve especially after a long period of despair.
Honestly, I didn’t know if I’d ever reach this point. It was like a switch flipped in my brain. It actually occured after a dream with a goddess speaking in an old tongue. She presented me with a purple goddess statue. Researching the roots of the words and sounds online, I found out it was a most likely a mix of Babylonian, Arabic, and interestingly French which I know. It felt like a gift from Ishtar/Inanna, one of my goddesses. After that dream, I had a surge in self-love & compassion as well as creativity.
Embracing Creativity
I am actually working on an art piece depicting being blinded by despair. It is unfinished, but I will post it once it’s ready.
I have also recieved the Art for All Scholarship at Makerspace. So far, I have taken a sewing class, and leatherworking class so far. I plan to continue leatherworking and joined leatherworking club at makerspace. Hopefully, I can also invest in learning woodworking, 3d printing, ceramics and metalworking. Having creative community is also very fulfilling.
First attempt leathwork tooling ever. Makerspace Class w/Pegeen.
I also hemmed up some jeans I got at the thrift store and made denim pouches with the leftover cloth.
Denim pouches made from excess Jean length.
Then I made a tarot deck wrap for my tarot cards. It’s not perfect and the cord has rough edges, but it was fun to make and practice sewing.
Tarot Deck Wrap.
I also fixed a bunch of clothes I had that needed mended. I need to get more black paint for mixing so shading is easer before I get back into painting.
Finding and Creating Community
Volunteering
I am volunteering for Isaiah, Faith in Minnesota and the Jake Johnson campaign in order to flip the house so that we can prevent further attacks on targeted groups, and so that we can promote diversity and inclusion in our county. No longer willing stand back, wallow in self-pity, and do nothing while the current administration continues to take away people’s rights and create discord among the masses, I decided I’d rather be productive and take action in whatever ways I can.
I’m also volunteering for Living Earth Center in Mankato, which not only maintains a community garden & farm but also promotes sustainability and environmental justice.
Becoming More Involved With Existing Groups
I am also trying to get myself to go to more local groups focusing on lgbt+, interfaith, and art. I’m hoping to audition for the Queer Choir when auditions start again.
Creating My Own Community
I am also starting my own local social group for Witches, Pagans, Heathens, Practitioners of Esoterica and non-judgemental allies. It’s called Nexus of the Cosmic Tree, because the concept of a World Tree is present in many spiritual belief systems internationally. Nexus represents the community as we all come from different branches and roots of the Cosmic Tree.
For events, I’m starting with a coffee meetup, Pub meet up, and gaming meet up. However, I’m planning to eventually collaborate with other organizations, practitioners, and more in order to host events and classes on different practices. Also, I’d like to work with artisans and Makerspace in order to to host classes on how to create your own supplies for practicing these arts.
All are welcome as long as you can commute to events in the Greater Mankato Area.
Lately, I have found myself getting lost in different art or crafting projects. Once I start, it’s like I’m not even thinking anymore. I just let my hands and intuition guide me towards a finished project.
I love art. I have loved it since I was a child. I took art classes in high school and resented myself for not going into the arts for University. I had all these voices in my head. You aren’t good enough. Other people’s voices. “Art isn’t a practical degree. Neither is Music. It’s a throwaway Degree.”, “You Would Be Good If…” and the dreaded, “Yeah. It’s good.” or “It’s Okay.” with no sign of any kind of feedback or approval in their voice. You wonder if they even looked at it. Also, I wasn’t given the resources for success in childhood even if I wanted to.
In College, I was a science student roomed with a bunch of art students my freshman year. I was so envious and resentful. It pushed me to cut out the arts and stop enjoying them even as a hobby. However, in the process of doing that, I also cut out a piece of my soul. Art gives life meaning. Creation gives life meaning. I was too focused on school to stop and realize how much.
After I graduated college, I didn’t go to grad school due to being to hard on myself and burnout. I started getting jobs nothing at all like what I intended for my degree. Plus the normalization of toxic workplaces and Autistic Burnout. I dropped hard. Quite a few years later, at my lowest, I found crochet and painting again. As I started to let the arts back into my life, I started to slowly feel alive again. It gives me purpose and means a lot to me on a deeper level than most would understand.
I come from a family of people who like working with their hands. Whether that is through Art or wrenching on vehicles and motorcycles. On my Mom’s side, my great great grandfather was a shoemaker, all the women in the family are amazing at fiber arts. My mother also liked jewelry making for a while. My brother is a great artist. My dad and my paternal grandfather both worked in the same shop, scrapping, building things, working on vehicles. My dad was a welder and fabricator before he passed. I have cousins and uncles who sculpt or paint or draw. Being a craftsman is something in my blood.
Also, I am pagan and one of my Deities is Lugh, Irish Celtic Deity. He is master craftsman. I have Ulster Scot/Scotch Irish ancestry through the great grandfather who made shoes. Sometimes I wonder if finding Lugh was fate for me. When I am creating art or crafts, I feel a deep connectiion to him and to my ancestors. Sometimes when I am doing art, I feel like they are doing it through me. Guiding my hands. I’m in awe of what comes out of it.
Some of my favorite mediums so far are painting, digital art, crochet, and I like to create my own decor or household items. I like finding things at garage sales, thrift markets, or old items people don’t want and upcycling them. I used to draw alot and I still can, but I’m out of practice. I just got a scholarship for Makerspace and I will be learning woodworking, leatherworking, sewing, 3d Printing and probably more if I can afford it. I don’t have space in my apartment for many of the machines I’d need to do some of these activities at home.
I will admit that sometimes I see other people’s art and I am immediately humbled and can be too critical of myself. I always had a hard time considering myself an artist. However, I also know that art is about the journey and self expression. Also, more than likely there is someone out there who will appreciate it. If not for the aesthetic, then at least they will enjoy the story behind it. I’m not just an artist. I’m a craftsman and creator.
I will never let other’s opinions of me keep me from doing the things that feed my spirit and soul.
I know I said I might start posting again a while ago, but havent. This is because I have been struggling with severe depression based on personal experiences relating to my identity.
What is Identity?
A person’s identity is comprised of many types including gender, sexual, cultural, national, social, occupational, and personal. This included many sub-categories that fall into those. There is also intersectional identity. This is the understanding that how these identities overlap create a unique, complex, life experience for everyone. The way these interact impact power and privilege. A person with priviledge in one are may be a part of other disenfranchised populations. Some people may also be privileged in more ways than others. Also, A person’s identity can change and shift over time throughout their life. Due to that, my experience in life, is most likely not exactly the same as your experience in life and that’s okay. However, we need to keep an open mind in regards to other people’s experiences and struggles.
Afraid to Talk About Struggles
Fear of Discussing Lack of Support in LGBT Community
I was afraid to post about my identity struggles as a trans masculine genderfluid person in a way that discussed the lack of support from within the LGBTQ+ community in my area. Mostly because I was afraid of retaliation and not being welcome even more than before. However, since doing Trans & Non-Binary Group Therapy through Pride Counseling, a AuDH LGBT support group I am in as well as reading articles online, I realize it is a more common experience than anyone wants to admit. I do know that the greater LGBT community is trying to reduce this kind of gatekeeping within the community, but it is still a common problem.
Fear of Coming Off As Too Negative
I was also afraid to post about this out of fear of coming off as too negative. Anytime I try to talk about my struggles, I have been told to shut up and stop complaining. Some people see it as an attack on the communities that are marginalizing me regardless of how I frame it. I am not trying to attack anyone. I realize not everyone in those communities are enforcing these views. I don’t like to over generalize. However, I do wish people would be willing accountability, self-reflect, and grow.
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My Personal Struggles with Identity
I previously did a post about my Trans and LGBT identity journey up to a certain point, here. In this article, I talked about my gender and sexuality journey from childhood until somewhat recently. In this I discuss discovering I am genderfluid and trans masculine. Throughout my life, I have dealt with a lot of anti-bisexual/pansexual rhetoric. Also, after coming out as trans, invalidation of my genderfluid identity, and trans masculine erasure, silencing, and hateful generalizations due to toxic masculinity. This includes gatekeeping, silencing, and invalidating not only my masculine identity but also my struggles due to trans masculinity within not just the LGBT and Feminist communities but society as a whole. Sometimes it feels like there is no safe space.
In person and especially on dating sites, bisexuals and especially bisexual women have to deal with all the couples looking for fun or for a third partner. Typically, this is because the guy decided to date a bisexual woman and these guys tend to sexualize bisexual women. The bisexual women then is allowed to be with other women as long as he gets to join in. It is less common for the third to be allowed to be a man in these cases, but not unheard of. It is frustrating when you want a genuine female connection and makes you feel like a sex object or toy.
I have been bisexual ever since puberty and maybe earlier so this is something I have dealt with for a long time. When I was in high school, I didn’t date men. I was “one of the guys” so I found the concept of dating them awkward even if I had crushes and attractions. Bisexual wasn’t commonly recognized and was seen as a first stop to homosexuality. Therefore, as soon as people found out i was bi I was one of the token “Lesbians”. Also, then all my female friends would either get weird because apparently that meant I wanted to fuck all women or more commonly wanted to experiment all the sudden. I was seen as an experience rather than a potential relationship. I also had that one friend that I wasn’t into that way and she knew I had a crush that I never acted on towards her bf so she asked if I wanted to have a three-some. Again, seen as an experience. I declined. That leads to all of the people looking for “Unicorns”.
People Refusing to Date Bisexual Women or Non-Binary Individuals
Another thing I struggled with as a bisexual woman was lesbians refusing to date you because you are bisexual. It’s as if they think you will always choose the man or having sex with a man makes you dirty and untouchable. For this reason and because many men have high libidos, I found it easier to get men to date or be intimate with me. This is especially common for bisexual women. Many of them don’t get to be with women as much as they’d like even if they would prefer women. Also, you hear a lot of “I will never date a bisexual again. I need to date Lesbians. [Insert generalized insult about bisexuals]” It’s as if one or a few bad experiences with a bisexual gives them a valid reason to make generalizations about them.
Since becoming more trans-masculine, I have the same experiences with gay men. Although, part of that is due to me being Pre-Surgery masculine and not considered a “real” man yet. These generalizations are something you hear a lot about bisexuals and pansexuals. I don’t think it would be okay for me to make those generalizations about straight, lesbian or gay people. In fact, the LGBT community, typically, is against hostile generalizations about marginalized communities.
Because I have been out as bisexual so long I had learned how to tune out those voices most of my life. Once I came out as genderfluid and transmasc and some disenfranchised communities outside of the LGBTQ, I was hearing those voices much more frequently and practicing distress tolerance was harder.
Invalidation of Non-Binary & Genderfluid Identities
Further Invalidation of Genderfluid Identities
Within the non-binary umbrella is genderfluidity. People who are genderfluid deal with everything mentioned about non-binary identities, but also get invalidated because their identity is not static. Their identity is fluid, meaning it changes. The frequency depends on the person. It could be minutes, hours, days, months, or even years. Because of this, people get upset at the unpredictability of pronouns and identity because the fact that it is inconvenient for them keep track of or have to have ask about. I was once told that because I my identity changed due to fluidity and/or I was learning how I want to express to fit my identity and it was changing that I only transitioned for attention.
Exclusion of Non-Binary, Mixed and Intersectional Identities
When your identity partially fits into two opposing types, you hear negativity from all directions and more frequently. This is also true when you fall into multiple marginalized populations. You can hear negativity even in the communities that are supposed to be safe spaces for those marginalized communities. It can make it hard to feel like you belong anywhere or have a safe space because you aren’t considered to be [Fill in Marginalized Group] enough to be considered part of the community.
You would think people from multiple identities, especially if one is a priviledged identity, would have the best of both words. In some ways yes. However, not necessarily. In an ideal world they would be accepted into both communities. Instead, many deal with gatekeeping from at least one side if not both sides. In terms of priviledge, it depends on if they pass socially as the priviledged identity.
That isn’t always the case. If they don’t pass, they don’t get treated as such and don’t feel like they belong in that community. Also, even then, as soon as people find out about the other part of their identity they can still be marginalized and discriminated against. If someone doesn’t pass as the priviledged identity they may be accepted in the marginalized community. However, some people in that community may not consider you marginalized enough to belong. Even if both communites are somewhat accepting, there may be people within one community that are safe for part of your identity that aren’t safe for the other part of your identity. This can also make it hard to find a truly safe space.
This is something I have been struggling with a lot lately. I haven’t felt like I have a safe space outside of my own home. This is particularly true due to the political climate right now.
The Struggles of Trans Masculinity
This is a topic I could write a whole article about. Instead, I will give a less in depth review right now. Since coming out as transmasculine, I have felt pushed out and abandoned by the communities that once welcomed me with open arms when I had a feminine presentation. People stopped reaching out or showing affection.
Dating while Trans Masculine
Nobody wants to date me besides other trans people or straight men who don’t consider me a man. Gay men will hook up sometimes but not date. Due to how small the trans community is, especially the local trans community, a majority of the people matching arestraight men. Even then, most of the people in the trans community always prefer fems. I refuse to date those “straight” men. Gay men ask very invasive questions about surgery plans and some would talk to me until they saw I still had a vagina.
One person I met on a dating site wouldnt date someone trans masc long term, even one who hasn’t “fully” transitioned because they hate masculine personalities. However they will hook up with Trans Masc if they don’t pass and haven’t had surgeries. They also wouldn’t date trans women long term because they were men or still act like men according to that person. This perpetuates stereotypes about masculinity and shows this person associate all masculinity with toxic masculinity. It also invalidates the identity of trans women as women. There are other people that have this kind of mentality as well and I have heard a lot of anti-trans masc rhetoric similar to this in the LGBT community as well.
Anti-Masculine Rhetoric & Its Negative Affects on Transmasc Journey
I always hear negativity about masculinity not just about toxic masculinity, but also extended to trans masc individuals and masculinity in general and it can be hard.
On one hand, I understand.
The patriarchy is real and many cis men benefit from it. Many are also victims of their own creation whether they realize it or not. Those benefits can impact how they treat others. The movement also typically doesn’t mean all men so cis-men need to stop using it to try to invalidate the whole feminist movement.
On the other…
I was born a woman, I am trans, and a part of these communities for years. Technically even now, I am a part of these communities. I know that the feminist and lgbt communities aren’t intending to generalize and they just want accountability. I used to be the one doing it, but that doesn’t mean the negativity doesn’t impact trans men during their transitions. We don’t benefit from the priviledges they have and my personal experiences have shaped my life in a way that makes me different from most cis men. On top of that, generalizations and stereotypes aren’t fair in general. Aren’t we trying to fight those exact things against out own communities.
I also feel like since becoming trans-masculine I have had my experiences as a woman ignored and I have been silenced within the feminist community. I agree with feminist theory. I actually used to be the radical man-hating feminist stereotype believe it or not due to my trauma. I get it. Being trans masc doesn’t negate my feminism or my history with feminism.
But Other Masc Allies Say They Can Deal With It…
I learned to tolerate the bisexual stereotypes and generalizations most of my life. Maybe similarly, cis men who are allies and even other trans men have learned to tolerate over time and that’s awesome. There is valid trauma behind the anger of women and I understand. Like I said, I used to be close to the man hating Feminist stereotype they used to invalidate feminism. I, also, understand that some trans men feel the need to pass and adopt toxic masculine traits or defend toxic masculinity.
However, as someone who grew up female and was used to love, support and community within these groups, all of this was a huge culture shock. People who used to validate my struggles tell me to shut up and stop complaining when I try to talk about my experiences since coming out. The greater LGBT community tries to support trans masc individuals, but I have had many experiences where that hatred of masculinity has been extended to me. I’d like to be judged for my own actions rather than theirs. I, also, have a lot of mental health strugges including PTSD, Autism and ADHD that make distress tolerance harder for me or leave me with fewer spoons to deal with the negativity towards my masculine side of my identity. Because of that, it might take me a while to successfully learn use the skills needed to handle the distress involved with being targeted by the same groups I always considered my safe space in the past.
People Pleasing VS Authenticity
People Pleasing to Feel Love & Belonging
I have a history of people pleasing in my past. I spent most of my life doing things to make people happy. I was desperate get validation or praise from people I was never going to get it from. Sometimes I still catch myself sacrificing part of who I am or what I want in order to get approval. Fear of rejection and abandonment from trauma will do that. I constantly have to reevaluate my identity and make sure it’s authentic to who I am inside rather than masking or people pleasing. I recently struggled with that when I considered completly or mostly detransitioning. I was tired of feeling alone and abandoned by society including the safe spaces that used to accept me. I felt like it was the only way to feel loved.
Realizing I Would Rather Be Authentic than Belong
One of the people making me feel that way ended up cutting me out and was completely alone without even a support system outside of my therapist and the UU church (despite not feeling comfortable or 100% safe because said person goes there). During that time alone, I realized I’d rather be alone than deny any part of myself. I couldn’t do that anymore. I can’t deny the masculine, but I also can’t deny the feminine. I won’t mute who I am and conform to fit in. I won’t ignore the masculine to fit in with the parts of LGBT community and feminist community that don’t like masculinity. I also won’t be more cisgendered and conform society as it is. However, I also won’t ignore the feminine in order to pass as a trans man and be considered trans enough. I won’t stop being genderfluid or bisexual/pansexual and pick a side. If my fluidity bothers you then by all means live life without me in it. However, maybe you need to look in the mirror and reflect.
It’s been a while since my last post due to some unexpected changes and some mental overwhelm. I missed writing, but I’m back.
Talk About Radical Change
As I talked about in my previous post, A Reason To Celebrate, I successfully completed my legal name change, had been trying to settle into the area I live, and tried to make friends. However, my roommate had given me a sudden 30-day notice with little to know warning or communication. Well, fast-forward a month. I have my own income based apartment! Yay! The necessary documents are changed to match my legal name. Also, Some promising friends or at least good aquaintances and community opportunities have presented themselves.
However, this change did not come easy. I was probably had my last dash of sanity and hope was slipping away. One thing after another kept going wrong until, miraculously, the day before my thirty days was up… I received the news. I had an apartment. Not a board and lodge, not a room, not a roommate in a room, but my own apartment. It might not be the fanciest apartment but it is mine. Ever since, it seems like all the things I wanted are slowly starting to line up in both expected and unexpected ways. Talk about radical change.
Like The Tower in Tarot, everything came toppling down at once. My body and mind became overwhelmed and shut down until the seeds of change started to grow where it once stood. All that’s left is to nourish those seeds and grow. I want to focus on self care, self love, and self-growth.
Super Snow Moon Energy
Also, all of this occured right around the Super Snow Moon that was Leo Moon Sign, which I discussed in Channel the Radical Energy of the Snow Moon. I mentioned the Tower. I had invoked this energy with a focus on the above deities and this is how it turned out. Fitting.
My three main deities are Loki, Morrigan, and Freya. Loki is very much about radical change, freedom, and transformation. Morrigan is about finding strength through determination, sovreignty, and hard won battles, Freya is much like Morrigan, but is also about Love. Not just intimacy with others, but loving yourself and finding yourself. Therefore, it makes sense that this would be how I would find change.
I kept getting readings saying to embrace change, trust intuition and my spirituality, trust that the universe or gods have me in mind. However, even if I see the value in radical change and embracing those moments of uncertainty and liminality is hard for me. I kept telling myself that without a bit of chaos there would be no opportunities for change and maybe it was for the best, but I still felt that fear of trusting the universe.
Spot On Tarot Draw
Also, if you look at my Tarot Reading on January 28th, here, I talk about burning out and reaching a point of exhaustion before perservering. However, while what I put as an interpretation of the first card was true, I’m noticing it has a completely different meaning as well in terms of becoming ungrounded financially and in terms of housing. It could be about how my roommate and I have conflicting communication styles, needs, and triggers so there was a lot of social anxiety, and perseved selfishness involved as well.
Introspection
This time of dealing with burnout also involved a lot of introspection. I was actually officially diagnosed with Autism officially not long before this happened. I was doing more reading into Autism and realized I had been falling in and out of Autistic Burnout for months now. Also, I wasn’t having normal panic attacks, anxiety, and depression. It was meltdowns or shutdowns. Overwhelm and overstimulization would build up until I shut down or lashed out. I also started to look at my past and realize how many of the thinks I had trouble putting into words that weren’t “normal” were my Autism. I also have ADHD so I’m extra spicy and all of those symptoms compound with my Autism. Even with my roommate situation, it boiled down to communication issues and overwhelm.
The burnout got much worse as I got more overwhelmed and I lost the ability to take care of myself or leave my room. Everything felt impossible. It’s like my Stamina Bar was at zero and all the things I could normally do I couldn’t anymore. I also became much more obviously autistic with lower distress tolerance. I was ready to give up and felt abandoned by society and people who don’t understand, but I’m here now.
Moving out is probably for the best. Living there wasn’t the right foundation for success for me. It allowed me to build the right foundation for me to heal, grow and change. It took every ounce of strength for me to get here, but I am. Focusing on myself and finding peace in the universe till I have enough stamina to grow into who I want to be.
Yesterday, February 1st at 4:09 PM CST, the Super Snow Moon filled the night sky. It reached it’s peak Sunday, but will appear full for about 3 days.
A Call To Action
Falling under the sign Leo, many of us will be embracing authenticity, creativity, courage, and confidence. Since Mars is in Aquarius, people will be driven to act and confidently manifest social change, intellectual ideas, personal freedom, radical change and self-growth. We could all use a bit of this energy in our own lives. To be willing to stand firm in your beliefs and live authentically without fear, is important. This could also be channeled as a call to action against the unstable and oppressing systems of power we face in the world today. So I will light a candle and channel the energy of the full moon. I light this candle for all of us fighting for what we believe in and for those we have lost in the process. May we channel the energy of this full moon so that we as a society may change and evolve until we manifest our dream shared of a better future.
The Tower
In Tarot Readings, we often talk about The Tower when we discuss radical change, both good and bad. The Tower is an unstable structure built on old systems and beliefs that no longer serve us. Resisting change will cause the foundation will inevitably crumble and take The Tower down with it. Sudden upheaval often feared, but sometimes The Tower needs to fall, and radical change is necessary in order to lay the foundation for the future. Remember, after The Tower comes The Star bringing hope and rejuvenation while we build new foundations for the future. This card is relevant in what is happening right now. People are resisting change and holding onto values that no longer serve us and this unstable system collapsing under the pressure.
January 29th, 2026 was the day Morgan Ravn Reeves was born into existence, legally. It was the day I had my trial in Minnesota for an Order for Name Change & Gender Marker on my Birth Certificate. I woke up bright and early at 7:00 AM to prepare for my trail at 9:30 AM with Judge Betters. My two witnesses were theree, my mother and roommate. We answered the questions and it was a very quick process. Judge Betters approved my order for a name change and gender marker change and I was, temporarily, filled with excitement and joy. I wanted to celebrate. At my appointment with my psychiatrist, I told her the good news.
What Happened
When I got back home the excitedment and joy I had was put to an immediate halt. The same roommate that was a witness in my trial decided it was a good day to give me 30 days notice to move out, because he wants his PCA to move in. Just a few days ago, he was still fine with me staying till spring. I’ll share some background information on that situation.
Background
Currently, I am in the process of applying for disability, which can take months to years. The waiting lists for Section 8 are ridiculous everywhere and the subsidized housing apps are still in review. Due to living with someone connected to my trauma, I had moved out of the Board and Lodge and in with my now roommate. He owns his own mobile home, is disabled as well, and said I could stay until spring as recent as a few days ago. However, the night before my court date, he decided that he was going to give me a 30 day notice to leave because he wants his PCA to move in. It’s a 2 bedroom mobile home.
Why I’m Hurt
While I can understand his health and wanting a live in PCA, this news made it hard to want to celebrate or be joyful. He hadn’t discussed that he was considering this and told me the same day I won my trial isntead of before or after. It felt like a slap in the face. He didn’t talk to me before or during. he just wrote it on a piece of paper and handed it to me saying, unempathetically, “Sorry.” I am a very understanding person, especially when it comes to being disabled. However, the way he did it felt cold and distant. The timing of it hurt, because lately I haven’t found much of a reason to be happy. My name change gave me that opportunity and was taken away all in the same day.
St. Louis Park Waiting List (Bring It Home)
Later that day, my therapist told about a waiting list opening in St. Louis Park called Bring It Home that was closing soon and I applied. For a while, I have been wanting to move to St. Louis Park. I want to live somewhere with more opportunities for neurodivergent, trans masc adult, lgbt adult, and pagan community options. I want to hope this will come through. However, with the state of the world and my trauma history, it can be hard to hope or believe in happiness. Many of the other housing options hae longer waiting lists or I would only have a bed or a room. This could work but I would need a place to store some of my belongs that don’t fit in the room.
Administration Worker Sitting on Hourglass. Freepik.com
Journey Worth Living
I want to find passion and a community to make this journey worth living. It sometimes feels like I’m living on the outside looking in. One of my dreams is going back to school and getting my PhD Sociology. Then, I could do research and advocate for the disenfranchised.. However, that feels like a pipe dream and out of my reach, because I am applying for disability in a society that makes it harder for people like me to find the resources or accomodations to make our dreams a reality. This broken system pushes us farther and farther from achieving that goal. It’s hard to find jobs that will work with Neurodivergence or Mental Health disabilities. They may be legally ‘required’ to accomodate, but they will find any loop hole to make it sound like any accomodation is unreasonable or lie and say it impacts work performance so they can fire you. I am highly capable in the right environment and with the right support. But, those environments are difficult to find.
Rased Fist with Money. Freepik.
Cannibalism of Capitalism
We live in a capitalistic workforce that treats us like numbers or slaves to the system at times. We do so much for so little. They make excused not to give us the benefits we deserve, but still expect us to break our backs working for them. On top of that, the more you do for them the more they way want from you. Capitalism is all consuming…from draining it’s employees of all energy to destroying the environment we live in. Capitalism turns us against each other and blames the less able or those in need for the fact that the able aren’t getting the pay or benefits they need. so we consume each other.
In reality, it’s corporate greed. It’s hard to not burn out even if you are able, but if you are mentally disabled or neurodivergent it’s worse. They have no compassion or sympathy for getting overwhelmed, overstimulated or having PTSD triggers or panic attacks. They also don’t understand that customer service jobs aren’t for everyone with mental health issues or neurodivergence. It’s hard to find passion or a reason to celebrate in broken system where you are oppressed and treated like a flea in society.
A Reason to Celebrate
If I get this apartment in St. Louis Park, before my 30 days is up, I could be one step closer to my dream of going back to school and finding community and resources. Maybe, hope will be rewarded and I will find purpose. Maybe, just maybe, the universe will send a peace offering and give me a reason to celebrate.
Blue dove silhouette painting background vector. Freepik.com
When it comes to tarot, I’m not an expert and I tend to just follow my intuition and have a conversation with my deck. However, sometimes it’s nice to find inspiration for spreads or reads online. Sometimes using guidebooks or tarot journals can be useful as well. I often times look at traditional spreads & spreads online and make them my own. I have found some good online resources & other resources for learning tarot.
Online Resources
Emerald LotusDivination is a resource I love to use. She has a large tarot spread library consisting of many Shadow Work, Self Growth, and Transformation spreads. Most of these aren’t showing timelines and in depth predictions but they are showing you what to work on within yourself.
Labyrinthos is another resource I have used often. It has a great guide to tarot meanings and some good spreads. They also have free tarot lessons and digital decks if you are interested in that.
Biddy Tarot is a popular online resource for tarot that I haven’t personally used yet. Here you can find free & paid tarot readings, card meanings, certification classes & an online community.
Guided Tarot: A Beginner’s Guide to Card Meanings, Spreads and Intuitive Exercises for Seamless Readings, by Stefanie Caponi is a book I was gifted when I first started. It provides some basic spreads, gives in depth meanings, has a quick reference chart, and explains how to do a reading with intuition exercises. It is a great book for just getting started. You can find it on amazon, here.
The Weiser Tarot Journal: Guidance and Practice by Teresa Reed is an amazing tarot journal I’m using right now. I absolutely love it and it includes includes fully illustrated layouts and instructions for eight spreads-1-card, 2-card, 3-card, 4-card, Celtic Cross, Horseshoe, Astrological Wheel, and Weiser’s own Ankh spread. It also includes 208 Journal Pages and 1,920 full-color Tarot Stickers.
One thing that I’ve also wanted to do was make my own Journal or Grimoire for divination in the style of a Junk Journal. These are very scrapbook inspired journals. The purpose is repourpusing, upcycling, and collaging using old books, envelopes, magazines, paper, and bind it together and fill the pages with tags, sketches, cards or memories loose or in pockets. There are no specific rules but some people turn it into a guide or grimoire with information in it. Other’s turn it into a journal for journaling their reads. You could do both.
This is on my list for the future. I just tend to not have much left for repurposing because I already do that a lot for other things. I could do a thrift & used goods book. I found a great guide for making one and I’ll post the link. You would just make it so that it fits your needs whether that’s divination or an overarching grimoire. You can also find pages on etsy or pinterest that have all the tarot information on them already. Some can be edited on Canva.
I asked the cards to choose what to tell me for a picture to post for an example read. This is what they chose. Honestly, it’s spot on. I drew Queen of Pentacles Reversed, Ace of Wands Reversed, and Nine of Wand. Overall it discusses needing to find balance and focus on self-care. I have shown keywords, interpretations and my reflection below.
1. Queen of Pentacles Reversed
Keywords: Unkempt, Self-absorbed, Greedy.
Interpretation: I have become so absorbed and hyperfocusing on my blog, social media, trying to balance my budget for creative classes/social groups, and trying not to overbook my planner that I am neglecting self-care and overextending my energy and finances
2. Ace of Wands Reversed
Keywords: Lack of Energy, Lack of Passion, Delays, Creative Blocks.
Interpretation: I may be overextending and starting to lose energy or show signs of burnout due and if I continue I might deal with burnout.
3. Nine of Wands
Keywords: Persistence, Perserverance, Close to Success
Interpretation: This card is telling me that persistence is key. I’m close to success in these endeavors and the exhaustion is temporary and success can’t be won without hard work. I need to stop overextending myself in order to find enough balance and energy to continue.
Reflection
This is true. Between appointments, trying build a local social life, trying to invest in Makerspace and creative classes, and working on my blog I have felt like I’m overextending a bit. S, I’m going to try to find more balance between making time for rebuilding energy, self-care, self-growth & investing in all of those aspects instead of overestending my energy, time, and finances.
The tarot deck I used in the featured picture above is the Lost Hollow deck. Available on Etsy.
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